


Getting Fit for that Rabbit

by trashSavage



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:15:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashSavage/pseuds/trashSavage
Summary: Nick undergoes extreme training while at the Police Academy. Comedy. For older audiences.





	

In between the split separating the mens and womens dorms at ZPD academy there was a special wall lined up with pictures of prestigious figures of the ZPD's past. Underneath those pictures were seemingly hundred of frames filled with photos of past graduating classes. And somewhere in the middle of the wall, just three frames from where the last one was hung, was a picture of Judy Hopps and her plaque of honour.

Well, honestly, it wasn't solely of Judy Hopps, but to Nick's eyes the rest of the people in the photo didn't even exist.

“Well ho-ly shit.” Nick's private late-night vigil had been destroyed. “It really is you. Nick -fucking- Wilde. You know, I didn't believe it until I saw you at admissions earlier today.”

Nick turned to his left to give a quick once-over of his uninvited guest. Pallas cat, young, maybe a little bit over 2 feet with spotted, grey fur; yellow eyes; and a soft, easy-going smile. “The Chief says they'll let anyone in these day.”

The cat laughed easily and Nick put on a trademark Wilde cocky smile. “Yeah. Doesn't really hurt that you and the legendary Judy Hopps solved the crime of the century.” The cat put his hand out. “Manny. Manny Poole.”

Nick took the hand and shook it firmly. It was about the only real handshake he'd gotten since he'd been here. Everyone else was trying to crush his hand like they had something to prove or gave him weak, half-heart shakes meant to just hurry along the pleasantries. He found himself liking the cat more already. “Nick Wilde.”

“Well shit, son. Everybody knows that. You'd have to go out way past The Burrows to not know that.”

“I heard in The Burrows they think foxes are red because we're made by the devil.”

“Yeah, The Burrows and Pack Street. What'chu lookin' at, son?”

Nick turned back to the wall. “Just seeing what it takes to be the best.”

“Oh? You aiming for the plaque of honour?” Manny raised an eyebrow.

“Just got a promise to keep.” Nick replied, looking at Judy.

Manny followed Nick's eyes. “Oh hey, yeah. That's that bunny cop you're looking at, right? Judy Hopps. She's a real big inspiration you know. 'Specially to guys like me.”

Nick raised an eyebrow.

Manny got lost in thought for a moment before speaking again. “People like me. We're short. We're small. People don't think we have what it takes. Then comes along Judy Hopps. Judy-fucking-Hopps man.”

“Judy fucking Hopps” Nick echoed with a smile on his face.

“Yeah. So up comes Judy Hopps: bunny cop extraordinaire, and not only does she graduate valedictorian, but she solves the crime of the century! She can do anything. Made me feel like maybe I could anything too. “

“Yeah. She'll do that to you.”

“Heh. I suppose you would know first hand, wouldn't you?”

“I suppose I would, Manny.” Nick responded.

They stood there for a while before Nick broke the silence. “You know she saved my life.”

“At the museum?” Manny asked. The museum arrest had been on the news for a full week after it happened.

“No.” Nick paused, then corrected himself. “ Well, yes. Actually yes. One hundred percent yes. We probably saved each others lives then. I mean before that. We were getting attacked by a jaguar.”

“Ho-ly shit, son! A Jaguar?” Manny exclaimed.

“Yeah. He was huge. Must have been at least four times my size.”

“So, like, 10 of me.” Manny laughed.

“Roughly,” Nick chuckled. “So this guy is all messed up on Nighthowler and me n' Carrots--”

“Carrots? You call her carrots?”

“Only I call her carrots.” Nick responed.

“Yeah, I bet you do.” Manny gave Nick a sly look. “So what happened?”

“So we're being chased all through the Rainforest District. On foot. With this whacked out Jaguar on our back. Finally we get to the tram. We thought we were gonna just hop a tram and make our escape. But this Jaguar, Manny, he was faster than I was. He was almost as fast as a rabbit.”

“Well shit son, how'd you escape?”

“I didn't Manny. I'm a ghost.” Nick brought his hands up to do ghost hand motions and got a friendly punch on the shoulder.

“Oww. Police brutality, Manny.” Nick said rubbing his arm.

“Ain't police yet. So how'd you get away?”

“Alright. I'm two seconds away from being mauled to death, then Fluff--”

“She lets you call her Fluff.”

“Then Officer Hopps,” Nick said, rolling his eyes for extra effect. “she cuffs him to the post. Judy cuffs a raving jaguar to a handrail.”

“Well god-damn.” Manny let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. “Ain't that something special.”

“Yeah, she is.” Nick said off handedly.

Manny gave Nick a pointed look. “So that promise you gotta keep. Is it to Officer Hopps?”

“What if it is, Spots?”

Manny sighed. “Nick. I ain't no detective, but every time you wasn't just lookin' me in the eye that entire story you were looking at that picture of Judy Hopps.”

“What if I was, Spots.” Nick flicked his eyes towards the small cat.

“You saved each others lives. You got nicknames. You're going through this hell trying to aim for the top, because I'm guessing you want to work at Precinct-1, and downtown only takes the best cadets.”

“And?”

“Nick, are you gonna fuck that rabbit?”

Nick looked Manny square in the face for the first time. Nick could have lied. It would have been easy to lie. He'd been doing it his whole life. “I'm gonna make love to that rabbit, Spots.”

Manny beamed up at him. “Good for you, man! Now c'mon. It's almost light's out and the drill sergeant might actually kill us if we're out after curfew.”

Nick smiled a big, genuine, smile. God damnit, he liked this cat.

-~-

Nick was half-way down the lunch line before he was suddenly jerked out of place.

“Nick, you got a problem.” Manny stared him dead cold in the eyes.

“Hi Spots, nice to see ya. Want to join me for lunch.” Nick brushed the smaller pred's paws off of him.

“Dammit Nick, you don't have time for lunch or trying to small-talk with me. You got's a big problem. A big problem!” Manny kept his voice to a whisper but the urgency cut through the air with the sharpness of a well-honed knife.

“Look, Spots. Chill. Everything is gonna be fine. I don't have any problems.” Nick tried his best soothing voice.

“You can't fuck that rabbit, Nick.”

The fox's ears pressed flat against the back of his head. “You want to run that by me again, Manny?”

“No, man. It's not like- I mean.” The pallas turned around and threw his hands up in the air. “You were out of breathe after the 10 kay jog this morning man!”

“I don't see what tha--”

Manny got in real close to Nick and pointed his finger right at the fox's chest. His voice went back to being low and sharp. “A ten kay ain't nothing compared to fuckin' a rabbit, son. You will die if you try and fuck that rabbit.”

The cat sighed as he stepped away. “Look, I ain't sayin' you shouldn't fuck the rabbit. I ain't no speciesist. Look, if you like the rabbit, and the rabbit likes you, then fuck.”

Nick gave him a very confused stare. “But I still shouldn't,” Nick cleared his throat, “shouldn't make love to the rabbit.”

“You were suckin' in air at the end of that 10 kay sunnova-bitch like them fools on Pack Street suck back bugga burggas.” Nick gave a disgusted look. Manny continued. “Rabbit sex ain't like other sex man. They go hard in the sheets, son.”

“Hard in the sheets?”

“Hard. In. The. Sheets.” Each word was punctuated by a stabbing motion into the palm of his hand. “It ain't about how fast you can do it. It's about how long you can last. Sure you came in first mothafucker. You came in hard first. 30 seconds before anyone else.”

Manny leaned up on a wall next to Nick, took a deep breath, and continued. “Don't mean a thing in the sack though, son. In the sack you ain't trying to come in first, ya hear me. You're trying to make the ride last as long as possible.”

Nick glanced over to Manny. “Spots, how do you know so much about rabbit sex?”

“You want my life story or you want to get in rabbit fucking shape, son?”

Nick shrugged. “Both.”

“Get up at 4 o'clock tomorrow morning. And meet me in the gym. We're gonna start your constitution training.” Manny said.

Nick stared at him in shock. “Four! Spots, that's insane! It's not such a big deal!”

“It'll be a big deal to her.” Manny spat on the ground and walked away to join the lunch line.

“God damnit. I hate mornings.” Nick cursed to no one in particular.

-~-

“God damnit. I hate mornings.” Nick cursed at Manny in particular.

“Shut-up Nick. We got three months to get you in rabbit-fucking shape and we're gonna get you there.” The pallas said as he gathered the necessary weights. “Now the key to this is to switch up the exercises. The routine here at the academy is all about getting you used to doing the same stuff over and over. Running. Take down. Grappling. That shit. But that just makes that shit easier, it doesn't build an all-over endurance. You need to switch shit up, keep the body on it's toes if you want to build stamina.”

Nick stared at the small cat. “Spots, how do you know all this?”

“You want me to sit down and write my autobiography, Nick, or you want to get in rabbit-fucking shape.?”

“I don't see how one precludes the other.” Nick gave the cat his best smug grin.

“Less sass, more working out.” Manny pointed to the leg press. “Now get on. We're gonna work them leg muscles.”

Nick ambled his way over. “Sure, Spots. Sure. But you can at least put some more weight on there. I can do double this easy.”

“It ain't about doing 100 eight or ten times, Nick. It's about doing 40 two hundred times.”

“Two hundred times!”

“That's only about half as much as you need if you want to fuck a rabbit.”

-~-

It had been a month and Manny had started adding compound exercises to their morning routine. Most frustratingly for Nick though would have to be the ease that Manny had in doing it. It was like he had been at this for a while.

“Spots, how do you know so much about this shit?”

“You want I should narrate the epic-poem of my life Wilde or you want to get in shape to fuck a rabbit?”

“Both. One Hundred percent.” Nick smiled at him.

“Oh I got a poem for you Wilde. I got it right here.” Manny stopped doing his lunging curls, jumped up on Nick's platform, and recited right into his eyes:

There once was a fox from the District.  
Whose meat just couldn't cut it.  
He would use his tongue  
On pretty young bun  
And then ended up getting cuck...uh..ed.

Nick growled at the small cat; ears flat, eyes thin, looking ready to pounce. “Fuck you, Manny.”

“You want to fuck me Nick or you want to fuck a rabbit?”

Nick glowered. “I'm gonna make love to the rabbit. Maybe I'm just gonna fuck you.”

“You ain't gonna fuck anyone if you can't do at least 40 more jumping squats. Now get back to work.”

Nick barked at the small cat and got ready to do more exercises. “That was a shitty poem.”

Manny picked up one of his dumbbells. “It was one-of-um, wha-d-ya-call'em, apocryphal poems. Meant to teach you the lesson of less yapping and more getting off your ass. Now you want to yap, or you want to get in shape to fuck a rabbit?”

-~-

It was a two weeks before graduation and Nick was in the best shape of his life. He was lean, mean, and a total rabbit fucking machine.

“You still ain't in any shape to fuck a rabbit.” Manny said between bites of his dinner.

Nick threw his paws up in the air. “How, Spots? How do you know?! How do you know so much about this?”

“Well gee, Nick. You want me to dig up my family history on Ancestry-dot-camel and retrace for you all the steps it took for me to stand here before you as this magnificent beast.” Manny leaned in close to Nick and lowered his voice. “Or you want to get in shape to fuck a rabbit?”

Nick cradled his head in his paws. “God, I hate you Spots.”

“No you don't. Now finish your bugs and get ready for the morning. We got some finishing touches to make on you.”

-~-

It was the day of graduation and Nick had two six-packs: one was the tray full of coffees he'd need to get through until Judy's speech, and the other was his abs.

“Well damn son, look at you. You look ready to go fuck yourself a rabbit.” Manny said as he clipped on his tie.

“I'm going to make love to that rabbit.” Nick put on his best cocky smile.

“Yeah you are.”

-~-

It was just after graduation and Nick was only slightly worried that if his mom cried anymore into his chest that his badge would rust. The older vixen fiercely refused to end the hug and Nick realized that if he ever had to arrest a crying, elderly woman he would be completely useless. But, at least his mother hadn't smacked him upside the head yet, and that, along with a lot of other things, made this the best day he'd had in a while.

“Mom, please. If we do this any longer I'm going to lose my reputation for being a bad son.” Nick laughed, and was immediately gifted with a smack upside the head from the elder fox's paw.

Alright, well, still top five days at least.

“Aw, Nicky,” she looked up at him with big green eyes and a wide, genuine smile. Nick wondered briefly if he'd ever be as happy as his mother looked right now. “Your father would have been so proud of you. Trying to make a difference. My handsome young man in his handsome new uniform.”

Nick tried to hug her closer without looking to much like he was enjoying it. He failed. “Ma what're you talking about. This tie is a clip-on. Dad would've throttled me for not wearing something where I could get at least a full windsor knot.” They both chuckled.

The laughing foxes we interrupted by the familiar voice of Manny as he bounded towards them. “Hey Wilde, you never told me you had a sister.”

The two foxes disconnected, and Mrs. Wilde wiped a tear from her eye. “Nicky, why don't you introduce me to your friend.”

“Well Ma, this is Manny Poole. Probably my best friend here at the academy.” Nick offered up. “And apparently the only one that doesn't know that if you hit on my mom in front of me I will drown you underneath the icecaps in Tundra Town.”

“Oh, I know Wilde. It's just that you don't have the moves to catch me.” The pallas shot back verbally, taking a boxer's stance and taking a few punches at the air.

Nick's mother extended her paw and Manny shook it. “It's very nice to meet you Manny. You can call me Vivian.” she gave him a wink and a smile. “Or, you could just call me.”

Nick buried his face in his hands. Manny laughed deep, from the belly. “God damn Wilde, is this where you get it from? No wonder you have all the ladies chasing you.”

“Oh, all the ladies Nicky?” his mom gave him a sidewards look.

“That's right. Oh our poor Polar bear instructor. I don't reckon I know how she'll live with-”

“So Spots, where's your family?” Nick blurted out. Anything to stop where this conversation was going.

“They're around here somewhere. Said they were gonna get some food.” Manny took a more relaxed pose. “I'm actually here lookin' for my-”

“MANNY-PUSS!” The excited shout came out almost as fast as the brown and purple blur that tackled Manny around the neck. Manny didn't seem to mind, easily grabbing the force of air and earth traveling at supersonic speed, spinning around with it in a lazy loop, and putting it down next to him.

Beside Manny stood a female rabbit. Young, with soft brown fur, big brown eyes and dressed smartly in a purple and white summer dress. She was casually chinning his shoulder and he held her closely around the waist.

Nick gave Manny a sly look and the Pallas gave the biggest shit-eating grin back. “So, Manny, are you gonna introduce us?”

“Sure Nick. This is-”

“Lacey Burrows” Judy said, stepping up from the crowd and standing next to Nick.

“Darlin', I cannot seem to finish a sentence today.” Manny said as he kissed his rabbit on the cheek.

“You two know each other?” Nick asked.

Judy looked up at Nick. Was he leaner? He looked leaner. More... defined maybe. “Hm? Oh, yeah. Me and Lacey go way back. We went to school together.”

“You look good Jude. The uniform suits you.” Lacey said, giving her a look. “But I think my Manny looks better.”

“I'm just surprised it can hold in all his fur.” Nick chuckled.

Manny waved him off. “Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, son. It's not like a certain someone didn't spend twenty minutes today combing his tail after putting on the uniform.”

Nick flipped out his shades and gave his best cool-guy smirk. “Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.”

“Oh god, he's gonna be like this for days.” Judy's mock distress played up to eleven.

Mrs. Wilde nodded in agreement. “A week at least.”

They all had a good laugh and after it died down Judy gave Nick a little poke to the side. “C'mon Slick, every valedictorian gets their picture taken with the mayor.” Yes, definitely more defined.

“Getting his picture taken with the mayor.” Mrs. Wilde beamed.

“Alright Carrots. Lets go show the mayor how to actually look good in front of the camera.”

Mrs. Wilde smacked Nick upside the head again. “'Carrots'! Honestly Nicolas you give that girl some respect!”

“Yeah Nick, give this girl some respect.” Judy chimed in, looking comfortably predatory and smiling brightly.

“Alright, alright.” Nick covered his head. “I gotta go, Spots. See you around?”

“I got your number. I'll give you a call before I head out to the burrows.”

“Still going to try for the Sheriff's department?”

“Try implies he can fail.” Lacey interjected with pride in her voice. “My Manny has this in the bag.”

“You're damn right he does.” Nick gave them an easy smile. “See ya around, Spots.”

“See ya, Nick.”

As Nick, Judy, and Mrs. Wilde walked away Lacey chinned the top of Manny's forehead and leaned into his arms.

“You think he's gonna fuck that rabbit?” she asked.

“Darlin', he's gonna make love to that rabbit.”


End file.
